


insecurities of na jaemin

by JAEMREN_ch1ld



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, College, Exes, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Parties, Smoking, Teen Angst, Toxic Relationship, angst with happy ending, but he want answers, dares, jaemin is a law student, jaemren, najun - Freeform, nct - Freeform, past relationship, renjun is lost, renmin, so he need to know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24439936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAEMREN_ch1ld/pseuds/JAEMREN_ch1ld
Summary: renjun was about to talk when jaemin dropped his card. “ play with me renjun, 10,000” jaemin looked at him in the eye, a sudden shiver ran down renjun's spine.renjun wanted explanations and jaemin just want renjun back.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 61





	insecurities of na jaemin

**Author's Note:**

> okaY 
> 
> i’m back lmao i never left 
> 
> so anyways, trigger warnings! smoking, alcohol, implied sexual content, VIOLENCE but for 10 seconds only!
> 
> toxic relationship— i just want to you know shed some light and a happy ending because i haven't seen one.
> 
> btw i wrote this as a prompt idea! 
> 
> kudos to @markjunies in twt for this wonderful idea!
> 
> i really want to explore more and i was stunned by this idea so here you go!
> 
> hope you enjoy reading.
> 
> muah dhakajkda

————

bottles of beer and ashes from cigarettes filled the big room and quelching sound of two lips eating each other made the whole party house a normal sight because honestly, who would think of this as weird and unique if you got into a party?

and who cares? jaemin did. 

okay straight to the point, jaemin hated this kind of crowd. smelly and horny people bumping onto him every second. the house was not the small but the insanely amount of party horndogs made it really claustrophobic worthy and jaemin being one, was having a hard time dealing with the situation he got himself into.

jaemin pushed the people barricading his way to the second floor or most likely known as the hallway of socks section of the party. and jaemin finally realized why, the loud moans and swears were really striking him in his ears. he rolled his eyes and made his way to the small living room like area and saw his friends playing a board game and a phone lit up with different words on the screen.

jaemin approached them with a scowl on his face.

okay so before anything else, jaemin hated this surrounding. if he could bring a sign board with the words saying ‘ i hate it here’ then he would probably do so but jaemin was not a boomer and it wasn't his aura. 

jaemin was that usual stoic, ‘ i don't care ‘ type of guy whom a huge amount of girls would fall for— specially those who read too many romantic novels wherein the guy acts cold to others but warm and cozy to the girl he likes...which was completely different to what and who he was. he was still the same ‘ i don't care ‘ guy even by just sleeping. 

anyway, jaemin was not always open in attending parties because two reasons; he hate small, crowded places and second, his ex was here. 

not that jaemin was affected but pretty sure he did. he just don't want to mingle with his friends since they both had the same circle of friends, he didn't like the teasing that came with it. 

once his friends noticed he arrived with a pained and bored look, they quickly grabbed him and let him sit down, a good space provided for him because he hated people touching him.

“ you're late,” chenle said, chugging down a whole bottle of beer after. jaemin eyed him with disgust before rolling his eyes. jaemin settled into sitting with both of his legs crossed. 

he was wearing his usual clothes, plain black dress shirt and khaki pants paired with black leather shoes. whoever saw him that night might probably be horny already because damn, a na jaemin could kill with his looks.

“ i have papers to write,” he said casually, shrugging when chenle scoffed. he was a law student, of course he had papers to write. he wasn't paying a huge amount of money just to slack off.

“ live a little, na jaemin. c'mon drink this!” lucas handed him a can of beer and jaemin contemplated a little before grabbing it from lucas' hands. he opened it and smelled the liquid inside, it had a horrible strong smell but just like earlier, he was not a boomer so he drank it.

“ we're playing a game,” donghyuck invited him, tipsy and already clingy. jaemin had to move away so donghyuck won't launched onto him.

“ i can see..” 

“ it's like truth or dare but this app right here,” donghyuck grabbed the phone amd pointed at it, “ will tell you what to do.” donghyuck finished it off with a hiccup. 

jaemin grimaced at the sight, shooking his head while on it. “ you want me to join?” he asked and everyone nodded. jaemin had to fight the urge to say no but everyone was looking at him and again— he was not a boomer.

jaemin gave in, a sigh leaving his mouth.

“ okay so, we have a dice here and the number you get will determine how many rolls this app will take before it can give you the challenge,” lucas explained, playing with his lip piercing. “ what do you think?” he asked, eyebrow raised and eyes looking for an answer.

“ sounds good. pass me the dice,” jaemin recalled the directions in his mind. 

“ renjun! pass jaemin the dice!” lucas shouted, pointing at jaemin. 

and then it stopped. 

renjun was there, his ex was there. 

jaemin paused for a moment, looking at him with mind clouded with questions. he found himself staring at the dice for a good five seconds, like something was stopping him from rolling it. it's not the beer he took for sure, he only took a gulp before dropping it to one of the tables, not wanting to drink it again.

renjun handed him the dice with nothing to a less care for him. renjun was still the same, cigarettes but no alcohols, still the old, same huang he broke two months ago. the cigarette dangled in his fingers as he huffed the smoke out of his mouth, not gonna deny jaemin really found it sexy. 

jaemin snapped out of his thoughts when donghyuck blew the smoke from his vape on jaemin's face, the smell of bubblegum waking jaemin up. jaemin stared at him with eyebrows furrowed.

“ roll the fucking dice, jaemin” donghyuck instructed before blowing the smoke to jaemin's face again. 

jaemin rolled the dice, it counted up to 7, 5 and 2. “it's a seven. set it hyuck!” lucas said, voice filled with excitement. it was really rare for jaemin to join them so lucas wanted to make it last, he knew his friend would trade parties into self - isolated learning because that's how big of an introvert jaemin was. 

donghyuck covered the phone with his hands and peeked from it, looking up once he read the challenge. he gave his friends a stupid grin, indicating jaemin received a good bet. 

“ before i drop the challenge, you need to bet jaemin.” donghyuck said, eyes twinkling with the mention of money and gambling. 

“ all of a sudden?” jaemin reacted.

“ this one is pretty hard and knowing what kind of an asshole you are, we need your bet..” 

“ why? “

“ i'm pretty sure you're not in for this challenge so we need something for exchange. place your bet, let's start 200?” donghyuck gave him a suggestive smile and jaemin wanted to smack his face, give him a good punch and go home with a black eye.

jaemin rolled his eyes but took out his, wallet. everyone in the area roared in amazement when jaemin took out a 1000 dollar bill and slap it on the board, “ drop it now.” jaemin sighed.

“ okay okay rich boy, no need to show off.” donghyuck laughed and shrugged, a coy smile still on his face. “ here we go,” 

jaemin listened, he really did but when donghyuck, spilled the challenge he almost wanted to crash the boy's head and feed it to his dogs.

“ go out with your ex for a good two weeks.” donghyuck showed him the device, bright blue letters decorating it. 

“ wha—“

“ that's not funny, lee donghyuck..” jaemin was about to retaliate when renjun speak for him. the once loud crowd became silent, tension went up with them watching the eyes of donghyuck switched from jaemin to renjun. 

“ it's a challenge, jun. “ donghyuck shrugged again, casually drinking the beer. 

renjun rolled his eyes before finishing the stick of cigarette he had left dangling in his fingers. no one was talking, it was pretty clear to them that the two involved in the challenge didn't end up well. renjun blew the smoke, lips twitching with a nonchalant look on his face.

“ still,”

“ place your bets then, jun.” donghyuck didn't show no mercy. they were up for that stupid board game and now, they were backing out? donghyuck found it really outrageous. 

renjun, too fished out his wallet from his back pocket, dropping the same bill jaemin laid upon. lucas whistled, 2000 dollar bill in front of them, so slick and so smooth, all ready to be used for another set of gambling.

renjun was about to talk when jaemin dropped his card. “ play with me renjun, 10,000” jaemin looked at him in the eye, a sudden shiver ran down renjun's spine.

another whistle came out of lucas’ lips, “ here it is, the rich boy na jaemin’s black card” lucas announced and the crowd was pleased, who wouldn't? if no one will play for the challenge and the other one would not place a higher bet then donghyuck could take the money since he acted as the bank in the game. 

and knowing donghyuck, he would throw a party too which means more fun for all of them. 

jaemin watched as renjun licked his upper lip, a sigh escaping his lips. jaemin knew renjun was not the same as him, he was not well-off just like him and he could never drop another bill without a food to eat the next day.

“ you need a higher bet, jun..” 

jaemin was still staring at renjun, a smirk playing on his lips. jaemin was not a player but he was willing to be one if renjun would be the game. jaemin had never felt so invested and careful to an ex specially the one who he broke unwillingly. 

renjun stared at the ground before looking up and locking his eyes with jaemin. “ fine. let's date again, jaem.” renjun finished it off by standing up and opening the pack of his cigarettes and throwing one on his lips, lighting it up. 

he walked towards jaemin, cigarette still in his lips. he knelt down and held jaemin's chin to make him look up and stare at him again. 

loud cheers errupted.

renjun took out the cigarette by his free hand, kissing jaemin and blowing the smoke inside jaemin's mouth. renjun smirked when jaemin widened his eyes, a sudden strong feeling of lust manifesting inside his mind and heart. but also he felt like he won jaemin over because..

jaemin hated the taste of cigarette in his mouth.

——

renjun woke up with a huge headache and a sore body.

what happened? renjun was not sure but what he was sure about was that he knew the place he slept at really well. 

he was inside jaemin's room. the blue and black walls were blocking the reflection of the sunlight making the room appear darker than what it was supposed to be. 

renjun felt the air conditioning unit colder making him shudder. he felt a hand snaking up on his waist. renjun looked at the person and clearly it was jaemin, topless and hickeys on his chest, 

renjun realized that he did it again, after two months of not getting laid, he was again laying on the bed with the guy who broke him. 

renjun ruffled his hair and held jaemin's hand that was massaging his abdomen.

renjun would not deny it, the feelings he had for jaemin was still there. he knew it was toxic to even let his feelings stay inside his heart knowing that jaemin already let his feelings go but he couldn't stop himself. he was dating jaemin for a solid two years. to what seemed like a strong bond, went down crumbling and renjun was the only one who stayed. 

renjun felt jaemin kissing his shoulder, waking him up from his early day dream. renjun shuddered as jaemin's hand massaged his abdomen again, “sleep some more..” it was cold but renjun knew better, it was just how jaemin talk, cold and stoic.

renjun turned his back, afraid of looking at jaemin's face.

jaemin pulled renjun by the waist, burrying his face on the crook of renjun's neck. “ should we really do this, na?” renjun asked. 

“ what do you mean?”

“ dating for two weeks? it sounds stupid..”

“ why do you think it’s stupid?” jaemin asked, face still burried on renjun's neck. 

——

“ i can't believe you allowed yourself to be taken down by your ex, renjun,” jungwoo exclaimed, a hand on his temple, massaging the headache that formed while talking to renjun who was by the way, silently smoking.

renjun told him what happened in the early morning, not the part where he and jaemin got back together for two weeks because jungwoo wouldn't like it. renjun puffed the smoke from his mouth, the first cigarette he lit up, now shrinking. 

renjun grabbed a new set of cigaretter only to be taken away by jungwoo. renjun glared at him but didn't fight him. “ i don't know woo.. i still love him..” renjun trailed off, a familiar of neglect bothering him. 

“ i hope you still remember how he broke you two months ago,” jungwoo eyed him, sounded so worried. jungwoo knew all of his struggles and panic attacks, he was the one who helped him cope up with the pain he had been enduring and renjun was in no place to say other words but to agree.

he remembered every single detail of how jaemin threw him out, every action were cold and icy. all of renjun's pride and dignity was discarded and he was left with a swollen eyes and hiccups flooding his throat.

the trauma, jaemin gave him was so huge but he couldn't step out of the box he and jaemin once made even though he was the only who stayed. in those two months, his life went down slope, landing rock hard on the ground. 

the words jaemin let out that night still hunted him every night, he wanted to cry and slip out of the challenge but there was a part of him that wanted to continue and maybe rebuild their relationship. 

“ i want to know why..” renjun heaved a sigh, eyes fixated on the floor. “why he did that because up until now, i'm still asking why..” 

jungwoo hugged him, quietly shushing all the sobs that were slowly coming out of renjun. renjun felt so vulnerable and if there was another chance, renjun wouldn't let himself feel this kind of pain.

“ i love him woo.. i really do. i want to understand him..” renjun sobbed harder.

jungwoo hugged him tighter, still shushing him with words to encourage him. 

——

renjun found himself inside jaemin's study room, knees shaking but not moving. jaemin was also inside, sitting at his desk. his attention was all on his papers, glasses sliding everytime jaemin would concentrate.

“ why did you call me here, na?” renjun was annoyed because he had to cut classes for this and since jaemin was a priority, he chose him over his social studies class. renjun, now regretting his choice, rolling his eyes when jaemin didn't answer.

jaemin eyes twitched, a habit he developed when he grew impatient to stuffs he wanted to end already. renjun knew about this since it's one of the facial expressions jaemin showed when he broke him.

renjun tapped his foot, trying to lessen his attention from jaemin's expression.

“ na jaemin.” renjun complained.

jaemin removed his glasses, standing up from his seat. “ let's talk.”

“ about what? “

“ about you misleading everyone with your stories of how we broke up.” 

renjun chuckled, feeling offended all of a sudden. “ why? afraid of people talking about you? “ 

jaemin glared at him but of course, renjun was a bitch so he glared back.

not to be really dramatic but they didn't really end up well. 

**_ renjun, as per usual having the time of his life leisuring inside jaemin's apartment. jaemin's ipad in his hands, he was trying to draw an eye or more specifically, jaemin's eyes. _ **

**_ he almost jumped out of his seat when the front door banged open, a raging jaemin entered. “ what the fuck did you do!?” jaemin held his arm tightly, renjun shaking from the sudden outburst. _ **

**_ “ wh..what did i do?” renjun feared jaemin everytime he became angry because he was not the jaemin he knew. _ **

**_ “ get out! you filthy bitch get out!”  _ **

**_ and renjun found himself questioning what he had done and how could jaemin threw him out. _ **

of course, renjun had tried asking him and talking to him but it was either jaemin was not at home or he was with somebody else inside his home.

renjun fought so many devils in his head to prove his worth to jaemin and the only thing he could received was the overflowing anger of his past lover. he tried to reach out, he really did because two years worth of relationship was a gigantic crash if he would not try and seek for an answer.

but as what he feared of, jaemin shut him down. no explanations, no reasons, nothing. renjun wanted to get angry but he was too deeply inlove to even comprehend the aching and the shattering pride he had left. 

“ stop telling shits to them, huang.”

renjun laughed, a broken one at its highest. not only jaemin disregarded him as his lover but also as a human who have feelings too. 

“ why?” renjun shouted in frustration, the anger kept inside him was fueling to burst. “ i tried to ask you so many fucking times jaemin. i tried every single thing for you to talk to me but what did i received? you fucking someone else?!” renjun was leaning more to disappointment rather than anger but everything was fire and once someone moved, it might burned them.

“ as if you didn't fuck someone else. the only difference is i am fucking without a relationship stopping me.” it was obvious that jaemin was mocking him.

“ you know how faithful i am to you, you know how i threw my pride just for you!” renjun shouted back, swallowing a big lump of sob inside him.

“ really? so how did jeno taste when you were so faithful to me?” 

“ jeno? who the fuck is jeno?” renjun was confused, he haven't met someone with the name jeno before.

“ stop denying renjun, i saw you with him!”

renjun laughed, a pained one. his breathing started to become hard and he clutched his chest. a wave of pain started hitting renjun's nose when he breathes. he plopped down on the floors, his other hand grasping his hair. 

“ now you're acting?!” 

“ let's stop p..please..” renjun clutched his chest harder, the pain was not subsiding.

he was having a panic attack.

jaemin's scowl turned into a worried expression, walking his way to renjun. guilty was eating him from the inside. he held renjun's head and whispered words to make him feel light and secured, “ h-hey jun.. wake up..baby.. wake up...”

but renjun wasn't responding to him. 

he was not supposed to panic but the adrenaline rush made him feel too overwhelmed. he hoisted renjun up and immediately went out of his apartment, running through the stairs rather than taking the elevator.

they reached the empty parking lot, jaemin's loud stomps were the only sound heard.jaemin ran to his car, a distracting feeling of responsibility made jaemin drove too fast. 

jaemin was not ready for the storm he built.

——

“ how is he?” donghyuck asked.

“ it was asthma caused by different breathing pattern..” jaemin rubbed his face with his hands.

“ do you still wanna continue this wicked challenge? we can stop..”

“ no.. no.. it's—it's the only way i can talk to him..”

renjun was given a shot of a sleeping dose to let him rest and now, jaemin was waiting for him to wake up.

“ what you think about jun is definitely stupid, jaemin..” donghyuck started, massaging his thight to lessen the nerve wracking talk he started. “ renjun wouldn't do that. he gave his life to you and was even willing to risk his education to be with you and we both know how important it is for him.” 

jaemin nodded.

“ stop being a coward and accept the fact that he was not the guy you saw that night. stop killing yourself and renjun.” donghyuck patted his shoulder before leaving him alone to think. 

jaemin hated drama nor he even want to deal with one and the one he created because of a malicious tipsy revelation was making his relationship with renjun go down to waste.

jaemin was cold, too cold but he had feelings too. it was not the most normal one but he still did have one. renjun was so important to him, it caused him to create a gap between them. jaemin was selfish for thinking that renjun created a monstrosity when he was the onewho actually made it.

and now, renjun was suffering and he could only watch and be guilty about it.

“ isn't it stupid?” jaemin removed his hands from his face to find renjun looking at him. lips were pale and eyes were striking red. 

“ why? why is it stupid?” 

“ we..i mean—i always thought that i was not enought f..for you..” broken words felt like arrows shot inside jaemin's heart, a wounded and broken renjun was the last thing he wanted.

“you.. you are enough..”

“ then why did you have to threw me outside like i wasn't?”

“ i don't have any excuses..” jaemin wanted to slap himself, punch himself, shoot a gun on his temple because it really was stupid.

“ i love you jaem and i'm willing to listen to anything you want to say...” renjun stiffled a laugh, a laugh so lovely jaemin wanted to hear it full.

“...even if it's a lie,” renjun said, looking at him while holding his hand up.

jaemin stood up and walked towards him. he held renjun's hand with his shaky ones and renjun tightly held it too. jaemin's hands were cold but renjun's were warm, warm enough to prove he wanted to listen.

jaemin was eaten by the freaky insecurities he set himself, a wild guess could never go wrong for him specially if it's negative. jaemin had it all, the face, the brain, the money and the most famous huang renjun in his hands but he had to let it go because of his own demons. 

jaemin was not aware of how his own pride broke the guy who made him feel warm all throught out his colorless and cold life. he wasn't sure how to confess and admit his mistakes to renjun, thinking that he didn't deserve any of it.

renjun was a piece of work, anyone was but jaemin found himself risking every single patience he had just to maximize his love for renjun.

renjun.. renjun was the greatest even if he was a piece of work.

renjun was poor but he never let himself belittled with that sort of background. he worked himself, juggling 3 jobs to sustain his living and not even once asked jaemin to helped him. renjun was independent, so independent that it made jaemin think he was not needed anymore. adding more to his towering insecurities.

renjun was so far from his league. renjun never tolerated his actions, he never once condemned jaemin just because of the title they had. renjun was always alone, not literally but jaemin knew he was. they had friends but jaemin knew renjun didn't need one, renjun said it himself, he was fine being by himself. it added more to jaemin's insecurities.

renjun was not used to smoking. a cigarette made renjun puke, smelling it make him dizzy but renjun developed a habit of hitting some sticks because of stress while he was in a realtionship with jaemin. jaemin tried to stop him, he did but renjun just said to let it go. the mere rejection of opinion made jaemin more insecure.

renjun was the cause and the effect of jaemin's insecurities. jaemin felt like he was not needed and multiplying it with the fact that renjun didn't depend on him once.

jaemin was so sure of renjun, he was ready for him. he was prepared to settle with him even if he still had years in college. jaemin didn't mind having so many things to do as long as renjun was beside him.

and that one night, after a heated argument with renjun, he delivered himself in a club. drinking all of the growing pain and insecurities with alcohol, his mind filled with renjun and renjun only. 

maybe his mind was really suffocated that time, he saw jeno.. lee jeno. 

he saw him with a figure so similar from renjun, making out with the guy he trusted the most.

jaemin denied it for many days, denying everyone. until he had to ask lucas for it himself. he asked if renjun was present in the club and lucas said yes, thinking that they were inside the same club but what jaemin didn't know was lucas was not talking about the club he went at.

it was two different places but since he was frustrated and had too much to bear, he neglected other explanations and just went straight home or so what he used to call it.

jaemin came to a decision that he would never opened it again, shutting all possible reasons and clarifications because he had enough. the insecurities who ate him got the best out of him, no more talks. 

and now jaemin was staring, no words coming out from his mouth. gulping the big lump in his throat as he listened to renjun's hums. 

“ i'm..i'm sorry..” jaemin managed to mumble and renjun hummed again, acknowledging the presence. he held jaemin's hand tighter, he was still listening.

“ i know i erased all of your confidence jaem..” renjun trailed, eyes looking up at the ceiling as he steadily breathed. “ i know how much you try to soothe the pain because you thought i was too much of a work..”

jaemin held back, gulping while he observed renjun. “ i tried to talk to you..i did.. i know your pain.. i was just waiting for you to say it yourself because i can't have you feeling insecured again..” renjun said, a smile lingering on his face.

“ you knew all along..” 

“ i have been told i'm a good observer.. it also just happened that you're easy to read..” renjun chuckled, a hint of humor underlying his raspy voice. “and because i also love you jaem and i can only see you..” 

jaemin opened his mouth but no words came out, he smiled. “ you understand me too much,” 

renjun chuckled again. “ well there's a saying. your partner knows you better than you do.” 

“ so you will comeback?” 

“ i don't want to comeback knowing it will only be two weeks, jaemin.” renjun muttered, disappointment was evident in his tone, 

“ we can try again.. jun,” jaemined pleaded, small sobs making its way. he combed his hair with his free hand, his nose was red from the stuffiness his lips were more chapped.

renjun removed his hand from jaemin, trying to sat up. jaemin helped him, putting a pillow behind his back. “ i don't know jaemin.. we're so toxic,” renjun laughed but it was sad, he clasped both of his hands that were both pale due to the injections earlier. 

“ i'm sorry..”

“ don't be, baby.. i'm at fault too,” renjun gulped, his cheeks were so shallow and his eyes were decorated by heavy bags.

“ we'll try again.. just come back to me..” jaemin lifted himself and hugged renjun. “ i need you..” 

renjun massaged jaemin's hands and nodded. “ i'll be right here..we can fix this...”

_ jaemin kissed his temple, a habit he developed everytime renjun felt lost. _

**Author's Note:**

> how was it?
> 
> i hope you like it.
> 
> let me know in the comments what you think hdksjahd i want to improve more!
> 
> thanks for reading!
> 
> leave some kudos if you liked it!
> 
> follow me in twt! @injunecessity
> 
> if you have any questions or requests, hmu in my cc! https://curiouscat.me/injunecessity


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